Living My Life No Holds Barred

Life is like a shooting star, it don't matter who you are, if you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time.

That is a line that I plan on living by from now on. I've spent way too much time hiding from my life, not really living it and wondering why I'm going no where. I'm going to start taking chances, making mistakes, and learning how to fail. I've always avoided doing things or being in situations where there's a chance that I may fail at something. Hense my avoidance of college, moving out, ever expressing my feelings to people, lack of relationships etc. I don't wanna be one of those people who never got anywhere in life cause they were too afraid of the what if's.

So that's my realization as of late...I haven't really done a whole lot...been working tonnes as usual...went and saw Beerfest lastnight with Sacha, Will, Will, Josh, Erica and Nena. It was pretty funny, had some good times...pretty sure everyone in the theatre was either drunk before hand or getting drunk during the movie. Everytime it went quiet you could hear the clanging of beer bottles on the cement floor. Today I got up, my sis and dad were at work and my mom and Shawn were heading to Victoria. Shortly after they left the guy from Windsor Plywood showed up unexpectedly to drop off the roofing stuff and I had to deal with it, having NO clue what was going on or anything about roofing. The delivery guy was pretty hot though haha. After that, Sacha and Will showed up to pick me up and borrow my dad's truck so that we could move some of Sacha and Nena's furniture from their house to the house that we're moving into. (The guys house currently) We did a few trips and then got some dinner and treats-a-pizza, did another and then crashed on the couches for a few minutes. Apparently the guys didn't realize till today that I had a tattoo, never mind two of them. They didn't believe that I've had the Let It Be one for over a year. I guess my hair used to cover it? I did get a lot chopped off. I got home...bathed because of all the dirt and dust from the furniture and then I began designing a tattoo for Sacha. I'm pretty happy about how it turned out, I really hope she likes it.

Now that my eyes feel completely crossed from stairing at a piece of paper and drawing for almost 3 hours...I really wish I had somethin to do. It's a saturday night and I'm sittin at home...wishing someone would come online so that we could talk about something...anything. Well that's all folks, see ya!

Time To Celebrate...Hopefully!

So I got a promotion yesterday...to third key, full time plus benefits at Shoe Warehouse in Woodgrove...so that was pretty sweet, cept that I wanted to celebrate and no one was around to celebrate with. I tried calling people and got no answer, left some messages...no response. No one was online, nothing so I spent the evening sitting on my comp with no one to talk to and watching Big Brother. Although I do absolutely adore Big Brother and wish that I could be an honorary member of chill town, it just wasn't really satisfying the celebration need. I'm kinda hoping that something can happen friday night to make up for that since I'm off all day Saturday and can actually get completely shit faced for once. And Tasha, you better be there this time. Umm so ya..I gave my notice at Reitmans tonight and that was really sad cause I love it there and I love all the people there...they've quickly become like family in the past few months. One of my boss' almost cried and I promised to come visit all the time.

I'm moving out of my house in the next few weeks but wanna try to save up some money before hand. I also really wanna get tattooed. I REALLY wanna get "Life is like a shooting star, it don't matter who you are, if you only run for cover, it's just a waste of time" with a shooting star, wrapping around my ankle and onto my foot but I'm thinking it's probably too long of a quote. I dunno..what do you guys think? It just seems like it would be really good timing, starting off on a new segment of my life...breaking away from my family and making my life my own. Hmm wonder how much it'll cost. I'll have to talk to Russ. Anyone up for going with me? Well that's about all I've got for now. Love you all...please call me, I need friendly contact.

Quick Update & The Forever Unanswered Question

Finally a day off...and I actually got to enjoy it. My mom and sister took off to Victoria to visit Tracy, Shawn was working and my dad went to Ladysmith to see my grandparents so I got the house to myself! That hasn't happened in a very long time. So, I rocked out to some Hedley and did some dancing to Eminem and other music lol then I watched some tv and then Sacha and Will came and picked me up. We went to Home Depo and then Shoe Warehouse so that Will could buy shoes..then we went back to Will and the guys' house (soon to be mine!) and made ourselves some Fajitas which were mighty tasty. Then we sat and watched several episodes of Scrubs. I love that show. Then Will M got home and i got to see his lack of hair for the first time. I have to say...he suites it short, I thought that it would be a big shock since his hair was longer than mine and now it's like buzzed...but it looks really good. He was funny as usual and then I came home. Alex and Chelsea were here when I got home so we sat and chatted for a bit till they had to go. That about sums up my day off. Erin's supposed to be coming up again tomorrow night as a hurrah to send off Alex and Chelsea to Sask. haha apparently Alex thinks that being hungover for the long bus ride would be fun. I think not but hey, it's his mistake to make and I plan on enjoying a good laugh. I'm working 3-7 at Sterling tomorrow, still don't really know how I like it there..but I guess we'll see how it goes. One of the girls from SW is leaving so they're doing a farewell party for her at Muddy Waters on Sunday night and I was invited but I dunno if I'll go yet.

That's about all that's new with me...the only thing on my mind is the probably forever unanswered question of "why do I always want what/who I can't have?!?!" and will it ever go away? Until next time, ta ta for now!

I Can't Escape Winding Down These Halls...Hard To Find A Place Where There Are No Walls.

Wow...I don't even know where to start or even what to say except "Is it over yet?" Please tell me it's over...I'm not strong enough for this...I'm trying so hard to be strong for everyone else but I can't stop crying inside. I've shed very few tears but I constantly feel as though I'm bawling my eyes out. I'm beat, exausted to every extreme. The small things set me over the edge, I find myself despizing the people I love the most and drawn to the ones I've grown to hate. I feel as though all faith is lost, yet my faith may be stronger than ever. I sit here, in front of my computer screen feeling as though the entire world is spinning around me, afraid to stand up for fear of falling down. My whole world has taken one giant plunge down towards the pits of hell (for lack of a better term). Why is this you ask?

The woman who has been more of an aunt to me in the past 5 years that any of my biological aunts has been involved with drugs, the police, been in a massive car accident, almost died and is now in hospital...my Opa is dying right before our eyes and there's nothing that any of us can do about it besides try and make his last bit of time on this earth as happy as possible...things with my mom are worse than ever before and I'm scared to death for her (If I want you to know more details I'll tell you), the kitten we were fostering died, and to add to all that....how about a little flood and the distruction of everything I own. That's right...my bedroom was completely and utterly flooded lastnight. Discovered at about 10pm lastnight was the fact that I no longer posses pretty much anything. My bed's garbage, my stereo's destroyed, my pictures are ruined, all my drawings, my books, the bible Alastair gave me for Christmas, my alarm clock, my Grade 12 year book, my memory box...everything. I have yet to know for sure how much damage there is to my clothes and to the flooring in my room. I'm currently sleeping on the sofa bed in the middle of our pool room, trying to wash all my sopping wet clothes so that I actually have something to wear to work each day...living out of laundry baskets and with a very sore back from the lovely springs in the cheep ass matress. To top that all off, I get home from work tonight to find out that one of the girls from YL that I care very much about just got home from the hospital because she almost killed herself.

I feel and look like shit, haven't slept well in days...not eating properly, been so fucking nausious that all I wanna do is curl up in a ball and go to sleep..I feel like I have morning sickness every morning but there's no fucking way I'm pregnant. I get so dizzy and light headed at work that I feel like I'm lost and get so confused that I feel like I'm going to pass out. I don't know what's wrong with me or what's going on..I just wish that it would all go away. I don't feel like I have anyone that I can really talk to about anything...everyone's so freaking preoccupied with whether or not they have someone to fucking sleep with...and I barely have somewhere to sleep.


This may seem fucking selfish, but so has everyone else lately.

Something missing

Left behind

Search in circles

Every time I try

I've been here before

I've seen you before

I can't escape winding down these halls

Hard to find a place where there are no walls

And no lines begging me to cross

Only straight ahead better move along

Like Clockwork

I commit the crime

I pretend to be

everything they like

I've been here before

I've seen you before

And I trade everything for this

And I trade everything for this

Why do I read the writing on the wall

Why do I read the writing on the wall

I won't lose my place in line

I've been here too long and I've spent too much time

I won't lose my place in line

I've been here too long and I've spent too much time

These Walls - Trapt

Everything's Looking Up...Except My Emotions! Damn It.

Things are finally starting to calm down a little bit. Well, for the most part...everything except my emotions. Fuck. So we went and saw Tracy in the hospital Saturday night and she was a lot more coherant that I was expecting. She was just like the Tracy I've always known, except that she was on heavy duty pain meds and said she was really crosseyed. She thanked us for taking her Keiko and asked us to take her other two poms but her mom won't let us...cause she's being a bitch. Umm she also told us that she's planning on doing her rehabilitation for her legs here in Nanaimo and that she has a house waiting for her here. She's planning on moving to Nanaimo to get away from the drugs and everyone involved in the drugs which is really awesome. We didn't stay too long at the hospital because she'd had visitors all day and needed to rest so we talked for a few minutes and then headed out. Because we were finished at the hospital so early we decided to go over to Old Navy to see what we could find there. I ended up spending almost $200 on some clothes for me and a sweater for my mom. Damn Visa..never should have gotten that thing.

Other than that things have been kinda boring. I worked yesterday at Reitmans and it was a really good shift, had some fun...danced around the store cause it was really dead..mocked the clothes for a while lol I love working with Meghan and Sara. Got home from work, the exaustion hit me, burst into tears and spent quite some time in my room listening to Hedley. Then Crysta and Shawn left to play mini golf with Alex and Chelsea and my parents went over to a friend's place so I had the house to myself. No one was available to do anything so I watched Big Brother and listened to some music. Haha discovered that a good friend may have met/made out with one of the Dominos boys at a party Saturday night lol Now the mission is to find out for sure whether or not it's the same guy and to thus proceed to hook them up. Tasha..this may need your assistance lol. I love strange coincidences like this, it allows for me to harrass people a lot which I definately enjoy.

As for today, I actually have the day off...am hoping to go out and do something, anything this afternoon or this evening. Tasha! it's been too long, you better phone me so we can do something. Oh plans for operation move in with Sacha are still a go, just not right away. I'm going to wait, give it some more time so that I can really find a good time to tell my mom. Rent's going to be even less than I thought, so I'm stoked about that. I"m just stoked in general. Anyways, I must depart and get my shower so I'll cya all later. Buhbye

I Don't Think I've Ever Been This Tired....Of Life...

woot Tattoo yesterday...I love it but I know I'd be more excited if I weren't so fucking tired. Here's how yesterday went. I got up, did some chores, double checked I had a ride to B&B, everything was a go, then it wasn't, then it was, then it wasn't..eventually Alex ended up coming and getting me and then we picked up Tasha and he dropped us off at B&B. The tattoo took a while, but Chris showed up part way through and hungout for a while. Russ and Albert (the tattoo artists) were really funny and making fun of certain drug addicts/homeless people and eachother and it was a pretty amusing time. Tasha drove Chris to work and then came back in time for me to be finished. Then we headed to Chapters and did a couple errands and then I came home. Colin and Virginia picked me up a bit later and we headed over to Jason's to wait for him to get off of work. Once he got there we decided to go out for dinner so we went to Boston Pizza but it was too busy so we went to Kelsey's. It was really good, had the best drink ever...it was Rum, Blue Curacoa, and lemonade. Virginia had a Twisted Raspberry Lemonade which was also very good. After eating we went down to Swyalana for a little while and hungout, then we went and saw John Tucker Must Die which was a pretty good movie, I'd see it again. Then I went home.

I got home to find out that Tracy had been in a car accident at about 5pm and that her legs were completely crushed under the dashboard. There were three guys in the truck with her, we don't know who they were yet...but there were also her two other pomeranian dogs. The dogs are alright, Tracy's in the hospital..all we really know is that she was in surgery for most of the night. We have no idea how stable her condition or anything is or really what's going on.

So to sum it up, I feel like I was kicked in the chest by a horse, am sleep deprived and worried shitless. If anyone's got an idea as to how to get my mind off of all this I would really apprechiate it. Give me a call. Tasha I need to be kidnapped!