Mmm Jacob...The Future Father Of My Children...

Hedley was AMAZING! They rocked, I had a complete blast. We dance and screamed and sang our hearts out while oggling Jacob Hoggard. I must say he took his shirt of after like the second song and it never returned..much to our pleasure...although he had a ring on his hand but we couldn't make out what finger it was one. He better not have gone and gotten married on us. The girl beside me caught one of the drum sticks and I was kinda bitter since she had her ears plugged almost all night...and then I was sooooo close to touching Jacob once Sam and I went up front..well once Jacob broke the rules and told everyone to. (The security was nazis and wouldn't let anyone) Soooo hot...mmm *drools* lol So highlights of the night...Jacob and Tom both have "Hedley" tattooed across their asses which were displayed for almost the entirety of one song. Half way through the concert Jacob and the guitarist busted out in a dance off which was hillarious...Jacob break danced and the guitarist did some old school moves. Jacob demanded that the entire audience finger him for an entire song and then off and on through the rest of the concert which was awesome. Umm he put the mic down his pants...girls kept grabbing his crotch and we were laughing. They made up a song about Duncan girls being hot and Duncan guys having huge dicks and how Hedley sucks lol. Jacob said that atleast part of Tom is from Duncan (refering back to the song) and when a girl grabbed Jacob's crotch he said "I'm not from Duncan...trust me" haha good times good times. There was an autograph signing after the concert so Sam, Crysta and I all got our T-shirts and tickets signed. Sam asked Jacob to prom but he said "no, but I'll go to the after parties!!!" and when she said it's tomorrow he siad "fuck that" lol then she asked for a hug and he kissed her hand instead. Me=SOOO FUCKING JEALOUS! lol

But yes, those are the highlights of the concert...it was amazing, had a complete blast..now I must go to bed!!!

Attack Of The Killer Bare Feet!

Apparently bare feet are more deadly than one would think...latest news..I can't walk. It's pretty wonderful. Not. Went and played some Beach Volleyball lastnight with YL people and Jesse trying to slide and knock me down but instead he accidently kicked the top of my foot and I fell to the ground instantly and couldn't get up for over 10 minutes cause I couldn't move my foot or ankle. Eventually managed to get up and sit at a picnic table until we were able to leave. By time I got home I had a huge swollen lump on the top of my foot and when I awoke this morning it was multicoloured and still extremely painful. Went to the doctor's, got it x-rayed. He doesn't think there's any fractures, just soft tissue damage and really badly bruised. I have to keep it wrapped and he gave me some strong anti-inflamitory/pain meds and I have to stay off of it. Which means no swimming tomorrow night after YL...I'm so disappointed! But the Hedley concert is on Friday so that makes up for everything!

Woot Hedley here we come. I was so hoping for a cast so that I could get the band to sign it lol So stoked about the concert! Mm Mm Jacob Hoggard! Other than all this not really a whole lot's new..I've pretty much just been hanging out with Jason, Sacha, Will and the other guys for the past week or so. There's been some definate good times, many failed attempts at beach volleyball, a delicious steak dinner and guys in suits. That about sums up everything...oh ya, Reyna moved in with us so that's cool..kinda crazy having 7 people live here but we're managing pretty well.

But I should get going, nothing really else to write about I guess, my moods are definately getting better with the more I get outside and out with friends..starting to feel a lot better too. The aching pain and tiredness is almost gone! yay! Finally starting to get into a sleep routine. I'll update some more later, for now my foot's throbbing and I can't think. Bye!

Letting Go Of All I've Held On To...

I was sitting on Jason's computer lastnight, selecting songs to listen to and I found Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse and I said to myself "wow it's been a long time since I heard this.." and I put it on. I started listening to the words and the song really hit me. It was everything that I was feeling at the time and so when I came home a while later I began listening to it on repeat and now I can't stop. Something has totally drawn me to this song and I've realized that there's a lot of things I've been holding onto that I need to let go of. People that I've been holding onto that I need to let go of. I don't know if I can. Someone tell me how!

Desperate for changing, starving for truth. Closer to where I started, chasing after you...I'm falling even more in love with you, letting go of all I've held on to. Standing here until you make me move, I'm hanging by a moment here with you.

It's just such an amazingly beautiful song and so many people don't realize the true meaning behind it..what the words really mean.

On another note..I'm either having a really bad alergy attack for the past two days or I'm getting sick again...and it really sucks because I'm supposed to be co-leading music at Young Life tomorrow night with Sacha. I'm looking so forward to it too but right not I'm really congested and have a scratchy throat. I'm loading up on alergy meds hoping that that's it and that it will go away!!!

Lastnight was a blast, I went to see The Benchwarmers with Sam, Sonya, Shayne, Kayla and Julia (girls from YL) and it was awesome. The movie was absolutely hillarious and we laughed our asses off. At that AND at Sonya for putting so much flavoring on her popcorn that as you went to take a bite you'd inhale the powder into your lungs! It was painful. After the movie we ran into Sacha, Will, Will, Josh and Eric but only Sacha and Will came over to say hi..apparently the other 3 were too good? (gives guys evil look) Things kinda went bad from there cause the girls decided that instead of my dad driving them all home it would be funny for them to call Jason and get him to come pick them all up and rub it in that he wasn't allowed to come with us..so Sam called him and I didn't even know what she was saying, all I heard was that she wanted to hangout with him and then next thing she's saying that he's coming to get us...so I'm like "oh ok w/e" and then he shows up and is all pissed at me, saying that it was my idea to intentionally use him for his car...and didn't believe me that I had nothing to do with it. I actually refused to get him to pick us up for the longest time cause I wanted to prove that I could do it all without him and that the girls would have a good night even without him there. So Sam and I went over to his place and then Andrea and Andrew showed up...not much to be said about that...we left and I ended up getting really mad at Jason for not believing me and then went home.

Got home, went on the computer to talk to Megs for a bit and Jason came online so we talked about why we were both mad and sorted things out and everything's all good now. Now I just need to get feeling better cause I've got some stuff planned for Sam for tonight. It was her birthday sunday and we haven't celebrated it yet so I'm planning on doing so tonight. Colin's coming down from Port and I'm going to bake her a bunny shaped cake and do some stuff..don't quit know what yet but I'll figure it out. Well I should go and either start cleaning or go back to bed..haven't decided what yet.

Here's The Deal

Here's the deal..I'm still sick. I phoned in sick yesterday, will probably do the same again today and am probably going to hand in my letter of resignation on Monday night. I need to get back into my doctor but he's been totally booked up..whatever I started with after Mexico still hasn't gone away..I've been trying to hide it, pretend like I'm fine and not let it show how much pain I'm in and how sick I feel. I'm at the point where I just don't wanna get out of bed...sometimes I can't. I haven't been able to get up before 11am in weeks and if I do I end up having to lay down and sleep all day. I can't go like more than 6 hours being awake or else I feel like passing out. I don't know what to do and I'm still really scared as to what's going on. I'll be totally awake one minute and then totally crashing and having to lay down the next..it happened at Sacha's house the other day and I said it was just because it was so hot in there since we were cooking..but I had to lay on her bed and all I wanted to do was go to sleep.

I hate feeling like this because there's so much that I want to be doing that I just can't. I have to save up like all of my energy just to go to YL on thursdays...and when I have to work I end up making myself phsyically ill just thinking about going. Hense why I'm thinking of quiting on Monday. I really need to focus on getting healthy. Jason doesn't seem to understand that I'm actually really sick and keeps saying how I spend all day in bed and have been really lazy and have no reason for being so tired but I can't help it..I feel so weak that I'm afraid to stand up at times.

That's about all I've gotta say about not feeling well..I miss having a life, I really do. But other than that things have been ok...what am I saying..no they haven't. Things have sucked and this is me ranting about them. My bestfriend has become so distant to the point where I don't remember the last time I hungout with her or even just talked to her on the phone for a while and caught up on what's going on in eachother's lives. She claims it's because she's really busy but part of me really wonders. I feel like she's been lying to me about things and it really hurts...my friendship with Jason has chanced so much since we talked about things and it's like there's this brick wall inbetween us..it's starting to get better the past day or two but I feel as though he really doesn't think I trust him which totally isn't the case. There's just somethings I can't talk to him about some things I know he wouldn't wanna hear about..and I feel bad for not being able to tell him certain things because I know he takes it personally but I don't know what else to do. Some things just have to stay confidential. I miss Megan a lot...I haven't seen her since like my birthday pretty much..we were supposed to hangout like a week ago or something but I think she ended up doing something else..I dunno what, I couldn't get ahold of her.

I just don't know..I'm kinda lost as to what to do next. I'm really worried about someone that I'm sort of counciling through a hard time..and I'm scared that I'm going to completely screw up and do something horribly wrong or just not be any help to her. I'm really glad that I've got Holly helping me through it, she has a lot of very useful information and is super supportive. Sometimes I really don't know what I'd do without her. I think that's about all for now, please comment if you read this!

When The Night Feels My Song - Bedouin Soundclash! It rocks

What's Going On Inside Of Me...?

What is going on!? I just don't know...I still feel like shit..I'm not better...I just feel weaker and weaker every day but I try to put on a strong front..try to hide it but I dunno how much longer I can. It feels as though everyone that I'm close to, all my good friends are leaving and I'm gunna have no one...Andrea seems so distant..hun if you're reading this I miss you..I dunno what's going on with you but I really wish you'd talk to me. I don't remember the last time we actually hungout or had a real conversation..you know, the stuff that friends do. Colin's moving back to Port like starting today...Jason may have to at the end of the month if he can't find a job..I haven't seen Megan in months..Sacha's FINALLY back from Cranbrook..feels like she was gone for a life time when really it was only a week and a half or something for Cassidy's wedding.

I need a different job...I like working the weekend shifts because of who I'm working with..but I dread every shift during the week..to the point where I almost make myself physically sick about having to go..and is it really worth it when I'm only getting a maximum of 12 hour a week...and that's spread out between 3 days. I have to work tonight and it'll probably end up being like a 2 hour shift...a complete waste of a day...

As for what I've been doing lately..I haven't been doing much...I've hungout with Jason a fair bit...on friday I went over to his place to hangout with him and Ian cause Virginia and Carleen were coming down from Port and Cole and Stacie were coming up from Parksville. So they all got there and we hungout for a bit, then Andrea, Andrew, Caley and some YL girls came over and we all played Dance Dance Revolution for a couple hours. It's a pretty awesome game which I must buy. Then Saturday night I went over there to watch a movie with Jason and ended up getting told to "shut my fat mouth" by Andrew who I am now extremely unimpressed with and would rather not be around at any cost. Umm so then Sunday I went to my grandparent's and did some chores for them, saw my cousin and then went to Full Circle with Sonya that night. It was pretty good but sad cause one of the Youth Pasters is moving. Then lastnight Colin and I were both bored so we randomly decided to drive to Port Alberni to visit Jason and Virginia and people...they all took me to the Harbour Quey which apparently is the only site to see in Port Alberni..so we climbed the clock tower and saw the like 2 statues..and then dropped Carleen off and went and picked up Amanda and her friend Sara. We went to the Westwind (I think that's the name of it) Pub and hungout for a while, got some good food and a few drinks..just chatted until about 11pm and then headed out. Virginia decided to come back to Nanaimo with Colin and I..so we got home at about 12am. I then proceeded to get up at 6:15am to go to campaigners, got home from that, did some cleaning and went back to bed. Now I'm killing time till I have to get ready for work.

That's about the just of my life as of recently..pretty pathetic I know..but it had it's ups. Lastnight was pretty fun. I strongly recomment the Electric Blue Ice Tea, mighty delicious. That's all for now folks, someone call me lol Boredom!

What's going on inside of me..I despise my own behavior. This only serves to confirm my suspicions that I'm still a man in need of a savior. I wanna be in the light as you are in the light I wanna shine like the stars in the heavens oh lord be my light and be my salvation cause all I want is to be in the light. - In The Light by DC Talk

Really good song, officially addicted to DC Talk! I love them