Here's The Deal

Here's the deal..I'm still sick. I phoned in sick yesterday, will probably do the same again today and am probably going to hand in my letter of resignation on Monday night. I need to get back into my doctor but he's been totally booked up..whatever I started with after Mexico still hasn't gone away..I've been trying to hide it, pretend like I'm fine and not let it show how much pain I'm in and how sick I feel. I'm at the point where I just don't wanna get out of bed...sometimes I can't. I haven't been able to get up before 11am in weeks and if I do I end up having to lay down and sleep all day. I can't go like more than 6 hours being awake or else I feel like passing out. I don't know what to do and I'm still really scared as to what's going on. I'll be totally awake one minute and then totally crashing and having to lay down the next..it happened at Sacha's house the other day and I said it was just because it was so hot in there since we were cooking..but I had to lay on her bed and all I wanted to do was go to sleep.

I hate feeling like this because there's so much that I want to be doing that I just can't. I have to save up like all of my energy just to go to YL on thursdays...and when I have to work I end up making myself phsyically ill just thinking about going. Hense why I'm thinking of quiting on Monday. I really need to focus on getting healthy. Jason doesn't seem to understand that I'm actually really sick and keeps saying how I spend all day in bed and have been really lazy and have no reason for being so tired but I can't help it..I feel so weak that I'm afraid to stand up at times.

That's about all I've gotta say about not feeling well..I miss having a life, I really do. But other than that things have been ok...what am I saying..no they haven't. Things have sucked and this is me ranting about them. My bestfriend has become so distant to the point where I don't remember the last time I hungout with her or even just talked to her on the phone for a while and caught up on what's going on in eachother's lives. She claims it's because she's really busy but part of me really wonders. I feel like she's been lying to me about things and it really hurts...my friendship with Jason has chanced so much since we talked about things and it's like there's this brick wall inbetween us..it's starting to get better the past day or two but I feel as though he really doesn't think I trust him which totally isn't the case. There's just somethings I can't talk to him about some things I know he wouldn't wanna hear about..and I feel bad for not being able to tell him certain things because I know he takes it personally but I don't know what else to do. Some things just have to stay confidential. I miss Megan a lot...I haven't seen her since like my birthday pretty much..we were supposed to hangout like a week ago or something but I think she ended up doing something else..I dunno what, I couldn't get ahold of her.

I just don't know..I'm kinda lost as to what to do next. I'm really worried about someone that I'm sort of counciling through a hard time..and I'm scared that I'm going to completely screw up and do something horribly wrong or just not be any help to her. I'm really glad that I've got Holly helping me through it, she has a lot of very useful information and is super supportive. Sometimes I really don't know what I'd do without her. I think that's about all for now, please comment if you read this!

When The Night Feels My Song - Bedouin Soundclash! It rocks