That's That

Ok so probably my biggest pet pieve is people making plans and saying they're going to do something and then just not. Drives me freaking nuts...I'm pretty sure that that is what a phone is for. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt and assume that something important came up but after 24 hours and still no word..I start to get kinda angry. Ok so another pet pieve that I just discovered is my sister correcting me when it comes to Hedley lyrics. It's bad enough that I was wrong but did it have to be her to discover it. Grr. Anyways so that's my ranting for the evening, I dunno I've been in a bad mood all day and maybe I just really needed someone to talk to, someone to take me away from this insanity. My home life hasn't been amazing, scratch that..it hasn't even been moderately ok. It's been crap, and I can't do fuck all about it because it has nothing to do with me..but still I have to live through this hell. Stuck in the middle of all of it, feeling guilty that there isn't more that I can do to help her get better, more money I can give to help pay bills, more time I can spend at home so that she doesn't have to be alone, more I can do for anything or anyone but there's not. I'm working 4 fucking jobs just so that I can attempt to pay room and board and support myself, atleast pay for my own clothes and shit but these jobs require specific clothes and shoes so I'm going in a fucking circle. I finally think I'm getting things sorted out and something gets fucked up. The stress of trying to keep 4 work schedules organized is driving me insane and I know that I need to drop some of them but which ones, what do I do if I leave one or two and then get no hours at the others. Then what? I'm planning on moving out into a house with Sacha and Nena and maybe Shayna in September and my mom knows and she pretty much asked/told me not to mention it around her right now because she can't handle the idea and then started guilting me, asking what I'm going to do with my cats. Fuck. What do I do? someone please just tell me...If I work lots I can help pay bills but then she has to be alone all the time Crysta doesn't give a fuck and my dad works..but if I stay home then I can't help pay bills and will have absolutely no life. Not that I have much of one now.

In other news..been working tonnes, umm I ran into Megan's mom...Jojo the other day, saw her before work and she pretended like she didn't see me and turned around and walked the other way..then she came into my work and was shopping and pretty much ignored my existance until she was about to leave and then pretended like everything is just fantastic. Never mind the fact that her and my mom haven't spoken in 2 years (for reason that will go unmentioned on here) and the fact that her daughter has completely abolished any friendship between us out of pure laziness about putting any effort into it.

My sister has barely been around, I don't remember the last time we actually had a conversation about anything without Shawn being there or interupting or some shit. He's always there, never not here. Won't find a job or do anything with his life. Crysta's either at work or her, Shawn, Alex and Chelsea are taking off to go to Victoria (yesterday) or Tofino (today) or to go mini golfing or to the movies or whatever their little hearts desire while I work my ass off or sit at home with my mom keeping her company, attempting to make some sort of difference. Do you think they'd ever consider inviting me? hell no. I was only bestfriends with Alex for about 4 years but he couldn't even bother to come inside to say hello or say "how's it going?".

Fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. fuck. I've been trying to stop swearing, you can see where that's getting me. No where. I would honestly pay someone to kidnap me right now. And I don't even mean a friend taking me to do something...I would go for a complete stranger breaking in, blind folding me and duct taping my mouth shut..stuffing me in the trunk of a car and taking me away. Might be a repreave. I have one more day off tomorrow, maybe I'll actually get to enjoy this one. If my neck stops fucking hurting like fuck and I can actually get out and do something. If someone would actually think for once that maybe..just maybe..I need a friend. Not someone to tell me everything that's wrong with me and what I need to change about myself..not someone to judge me and tell me who to be or what I should be doing with my life. I don't need to hear that shit right now. I just need someone to care...genuinely care, not pretend. I need someone to listen and get me drunk or something. I just need to relax and be able to let lose. Be who I want to be for a change and not care what anyone thinks. I'm sick of trying to fit into the stereotype that people have set for me. I'm sick of being told what kind of person I am and how I'm supposed to act. I'm sick of being the good girl who never does anything wrong, always makes the right decisions, always sticks to their morals and never gives in and tries new things. I'm sick of being the good role model, the well behaved, well adjusted, logical, rational, responsible girl that I'm constantly being expected to be.

That's that and that's all I've gotta say for now.