Who really reads this anyways?

I suppose that I'm a little overdue for an update...but since I'm not really sure who reads this anymore I'm slightly hesitant to divulge certain information. Therefor meaning that Tasha, if you wanna know what's going on...we need to talk haha. Things have been awkward none the less..but really good at the same time. Things with my mom have been kinda rocky..I know she wants me to move home, especially since I've been here so much but I know that as soon as I get better I'd totally regret it if i did. I like being here right now because I'm so sick and don't wanna be alone but if I completely move home I'll just be right back in the hell i was in before I moved out. Plus extra drama with Tracy and the boys being here. Which is another reason why I can't, it would be bad and we'll leave it at that. My will power isn't THAT good haha. Umm I'm pretty sure I'm going to take leave from YL because well...I need to get healthy. I just can't do it right now...I'm too stressed out and they just keep adding more and more to my plate that I can't handle. It's at the point where there's 3 mornings that I have to be at meetings at either 6:30, 7 or 8am and then thursday nights for club and atleast 2 days a week for contact work. That's like a part time job that I don't get payed for. People seem to forget that although most of the leaders are on staff now, there are still us few VOLUNTEERS that don't get payed and have other lives that aren't based around ministry with YL. I'm kinda bitter and resentful towards YL right now which is another reason why I should not be trying to lead kids to god through it right now. Well it's my sister's birthday today and so I'm at my parents..I should probably go and do something productive. Call me if you wanna chat, I may or may not have strep or mono..not too sure yet...so you might not wanna come too close but phone conversations or texts are always apprechiated. later days. (yes I know i'm a dork)

Sup...;)

And these are the days of our lives. I seriously feel as though I'm living my life in a soap opera. Right down to the screwed up romances, drug dealers and addicts, people dying...everything. For those who don't know already, my Opa passed away saturday morning at approximately 6am and my mom called me at my house at 8:30 to tell me. I came back here a couple hours later to suffer through massive family wide fights and everyone being an emotional mess. Including myself. I basically shut myself in the pool room, blasted Hedley as loud as humanly possible and cleaned. It took a while for everything to really sink in. I haven't really been out to do much of anything in a long time, kinda been avoiding everyone. Not intentionally really, just been fairly robotic.

As for boys, things are getting harder and harder...because we're getting closer and closer and I really need to stop spending the night at my parents before things really get out of hand. I care a lot about him and it bothers me because all that can happen is that people will get hurt. Whether its me, him or my family. I can't lose them over this but he makes me happy. Genuinely happy and that hasn't happened in a really long time. We're so open with eachother and really understand eachother. We connect in a way that I don't see very often at all.

I'm heading out in a little while with Tracy and the boys because I have a baby shower to go to tonight. I'm excited to buy baby stuff for Jesse, hopefully Liquidation World will be well stocked because I'm pretty poor. Speaking of poor, I'm supposed to be going to a leadership retreat on the weekend in Chemainis? I think that's where it is, I don't really know. I have more doctors appointments earlier on friday and then we're leaving in the late afternoon. I can't really afford it at all, but people seem to think that they might be able to help me out with that since Holly already signed me up.

Well that's about all for now, I should get going..Tracy and Brenden are having a fight which is upsetting my mom and therefore I have to go fix things. Call me if you wanna do something, I'm on medical leave so my schedule is wide open. Later Days.

Ever Heard The Saying "It can only get better" ??? They Lied!

Apparently I need to update in order to appease Shayna's boredom...even though she knows basically every aspect of my life anyways. I'm actually rather depressed at the moment, I guess all the events of the past..year are just kinda hitting me all at once. I thought that maybe...just maybe things would get better with the new year but honestly they're only getting worse. My Opa is very painfully close to dying. His kidneys and liver and just everything are shutting down and there's nothing that can be done. We basically have to sit back and just wait for the phone call. My Oma's been really depressed cause she can't leave the house because he can't go anywhere and she doesn't wanna leave him alone. They should really be living in a retirement home but they refuse. I'm pretty sure that once my Opa's gone my Oma's going to be right behind him. She seems to be giving up and I think that without him to take care of she's not really going to feel as though she has a purpose anymore.

On the other home front...I finally got the official ultimatem yesterday. I was talking to Brenden on the phone when my mom beeped in to inform me that "if I continue to have contact with Brenden I will no longer be able to have contact with her" aka I'd no longer be part of this family. So great. I care about Brenden a lot but I can't lose my family over him. He's not good for me and I realize that. I came over to my parent's lastnight to talk to my mom and we eventually came to an agreement that I can talk to him but not see him until he begins to prove himself more trustworthy and honestly and not too disappointed about this. Not seeing him, especially not seeing him alone is probably definately for the better in light of the situation. I don't wanna fall in love with him and I see myself heading down that path rather quickly. Right now he's in Victoria because he has a court appearance tomorrow..I tried calling him because I needed to talk to him about something and he was a jerk and said he didn't wanna talk right now and would call me after the hearing. I've decided that if he doesn't call me after the hearing, I'm walking away. I'm getting emotionally attached and I don't want him to hurt me. So we'll see how tomorrow goes and go from there I guess? Ya.

My health. has been crap. I'm averaging atleast 2 collaspings a day now, it's getting worse...I'm too nausious to really eat much of anything...I have a concussion from a certain event at Brenden's motel room the other night. And no people it's nothing like that. Him, Sam and I were watching TV and Sam pushed me off the bed and I hit my head on the corner of the side table. I ended up having Shayna and Eric take me to the ER yesterday afternoon to get it checked and the doctor gave me T3's which although they have made me slightly high for the past 24 hours I think they may be aiding in said depressive state. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning to talk to my dr. about applying for medical EI so that I can take leave from work until they find out what's wrong with me or the stress goes away or whatever it takes to get healthy again. I also have an eye doctor appointment on friday because I'm pretty sure I need glasses. Although I can neither afford them or really want to have to wear them..but I may need them.

One good thing has come out of the events of the past few weeks. I've become pretty good friends with Jesey, there's been ups and downs but I know that it was all out of concern for me and I thanked him for that. I've actually been talking to him about Young Life a fair bit and I think he may be considering becoming a leader which would be awesome. Speaking of which, it looks as though Sacha, Joanna and I may be starting up a South End club at some point this year, nothing's really official but I think it would be a blast and an awesome idea. I'll miss a lot of the North End kids but this way our focus isn't so spread out and 70 someodd kids all at once ya know?

Well this has been kinda a long entry after all but I'm going to head off...watch a little 40 Year Old Virgin and then go to bed. Well probably hang with Jesey a bit. If anyone wants to hangout and just chill or something let me know..I'm not very good company but I could definately use some. Seeya