Love Triangles and Losing Myself

Wow how things change so quickly. What is with love triangles? I find a guy that I really like, his bestfriend's in love with me..therefore he won't let anything happen between us. I guess everything happens for a reason but it sorta sucks anyways. I'm pretty sure I'm destine to die alone at this rate. Although the past couple secret nights (with the bestfriend who's in love with me) have been pretty nice it's just all so confusing. We'll never be together no matter how much he wants to be but I can't help but be drawn into his arms. He's an amazing cuddler what can I say...and he kisses my forehead and tucks me in to bed and all that sappy mushy stuff that I (the hopeless romantic I am) love but, I won't go for him. Why is that you ask? because we'd be horrible together. He's got a really bad fairly recent past that's still haunting him and he needs to figure out his life for himself. Therefore we will be friends and nothing more. Besides the fact that I would lose so many people I love if anything did happen. I don't even know how I feel about him. Honestly if I could combine all of the good things about both of them I'd have my dream guy. But sometimes the bad qualities just overpower the good and I've got some tough decisions to make.

As for the rest of my life and Christmas...things have been eventful. I've been really sick as most of you know. I lost my vision at work yesterday and had to go home from work early. Phoned in sick today cause i've had a constant headache for I don't even know how long. It got really bad when I was watching Failure to Launch with the boys lastnight and hasn't gone away. It's not helping knowing that one of them just got put in jail till his court hearing tomorrow. Yes Tasha I have wonderful friends...I know. lol oh man my life's fucked up right now. Things sure have changed haven't they? Umm I'm waiting to hear from the doctors office about when my EEG scan, CT Scan and everything are scheduled for...my 24 hour heart monitor gets put on on the second. Can't wait. Ya right. I just want them to figure out what's wrong with me. Maybe it's just stress? Who knows..but unless someone tells me what to think and feel and then sends me on a vacation to the bahamas or something the stress isn't going to go away. Atleast I get to move back to my own house soon...but that's kinda stressful in itself. I'm pretty petrified about having to walk to the bus stop every morning again..ever since I passed out on the side of the parkway I'm not really too keen on going back. Understandable? I think so.

But ya, that's about all...I'm feeling crappy so i'm going to go lay down or something. Call me if you wanna chat or something. See ya'll.

Ok Shayna Here's Your Update.

Well I've had a request that I update although I don't have much to update on really. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning that I'm slightly scared to go to and my mom's not really seeming willing to drive me to but hopefully it'll all work out in the morning. Then at about 1pm I'm going to transformations with Tasha to watch while she gets tattooed some more. That should prove to be good times with Dave while mocking Tasha for her obsession with a certain Australian Piercer. I'll also be getting my piercing checked out to make sure that it's not rejecting as of yet...and then hopefully HOPEFULLY going to finish my christmas shopping but I'm not too sure how that's going to go. I need to get my damn license.

Anyways, Jesey and Brenden have been in Victoria for a couple days now and it's been rather quiet. I kinda miss Jesey a lot but there's not much I can do about that. They should be back up here sometime tomorrow if they can get the money for the bus or convince someone to drive them. I don't really know how I feel about the whole situation but I like him a lot so we'll see how it goes. I was working today and I got so sick agian. It was like I was super drunk but not in a happy drunk way. In a miserable depressed drunkin state. All my body wanted was to lay on the floor and never get up again. I was so dizzy, I was seeing stars and couldn't concentrate on ANYTHING so after an hour of sitting in the backroom almost passed out Ashley ended up sending me home with strict instructions to rest and an offer to drive me to the doctors.

Part of me is really excited about Christmas but another part of me is seriously dreading it. I went to costco with my dad this evening and ran into my aunt Marilyn (aunt by marrage sorta) as well as my Uncle Brad who was married to my mom's sister Val before she passed away a few years ago. So that was all kinda hard on the emotions since we don't really have much to do with my family but it was really nice to see them none the less. I start really missing my family around this time of the year because old memories of family dinners start arrising and I start wondering what my cousin's are all up to and how they're celebrating Christmas. I also start to really miss my grandparents alot. I loved them so much and Christmas was always such a huge deal to them. As for the rest of my family..my Opa's still really sick and so we're having Christmas brunch at my Oma and Opa's instead of my aunt's house because my Opa doesn't really get out of bed much and we don't want him to miss it.

Well that's all for now so I think I'm going to make a sappy cd and go listen to it while I attempt to fall asleep. It's hard for me to fall asleep the past two nights..I grew used to having another person sleeping in the room. Do you ever just get used to hearing someone else breathing? I find the sound so calming. Maybe tomorrow night. Anways yes. Bye!

PS. So addicted to Rascal Flatts - What Hurts The Most

Useless

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house. that don't bother me. I can take a few tears now and then and just let em out. I'm not afraid to cry, every once in a while even though, going on, with you gone still upsets me. there are days every now and then I pretend i'm ok but that's not what gets me. what hurts the most is being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away. never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what i was trying to do.

Good old Rascall Flatts. They tell it like it is. Um anyways heh things with friends are finally starting to sort themselves out I guess you could say. Tasha and I worked things out about my birthday party and I miss her very much. Alyssa's back in town and I can't wait to see her. Um Sacha leaves for Cranbrook tomorrow and i'm going to have my house to myself for the next week but I can't be alone because of the concussion so I don't really know how that's going to work. If anyone wants to come stay with me let me know. I've got a spare bedroom with bed. I've spent the past few nights at my parent's house and have hungout with Jesey a fair bit. It's been pretty fun. He's a cool kid. Sam and Brenden have been in and out cause Brenden's staying at a motel cause my mom doesn't really want him here cause there's like people looking for him. He seems to be actually wanting to get his life sorted out right now and stay clean, not too sure the same can be said for Tracy. We're trying so hard to distinguish between rumors and the truth so we're basically depending on what Jesey sees and hears and I feel so bad that he has to be in the middle of everything but it's the only way to figure all this out.

Sam's moving in to my place with me, Sacha and Eric for the month of January, that should be good times. I know we'll have fun. It's just going to be a little stressful till rent's in because Sacha's going to be in Cranbrook, Eric's in CR and Sam will be in Vernon. Oh the mayhem. I'm rather stressed about Christmas because I only have about half of my presents bought and don't get payed again until friday which means I'm cutting it a little bit close. My parent's house is going to be so full for christmas. If Brenden's not in jail he'll be here, Jesey'll be here (we refuse to let him spend christmas in a motel with a 40lb of crown royal) Tracy will be here, possibly Matty if all works out and possibly Shawn's friend Chris. Then the 5 of us and I'm sure that Alex and Chelsea will probably show up at some point, it's kinda tradition.

So I'm sitting at my parent's house by myself because my mom and Jesey had to go pick up Tracy from the hospital she got a burn from a wheel chair on her leg and now has a stalf infection that is going to have to be operated on. Found out lastnight that getting stalf infections easily is a sign of drug use which is just more proof of the problems to come. I really wanna go back to school so that i can learn how to detect drug addictions and know all the signs and actually know how to help the person. I hate having to sit back completely clueless. It's bad enough not being able to go to work cause i'm useless there. I feel so unneeded. I didn't believe the doctor when he told me it would be pointless for me to go back to work right now. I realized that he was right when I was sitting on the bathroom floor in the backroom of my store on the verge of passing out yesterday. That was after I'd already collapsed behind the till. Good times. Well I'm going to go finally get my shower before everyone gets home. I'll see ya all later, someone call me or come see me. I miss people.

Yes I'm Fucking Emo.

I don't understand people, I don't understand them at all. I don't really remember what I posted about last time but I don't think I've posted since my birthday party so I guess I should now. My party went pretty well, I sucked at bowling and everyone drank a lot at mgm. There was a mini food fight with creamers and ketchup packets which was definately interesting. Then we headed to 70 below and danced, almost everyone left fairly early and then my friends from work showed up. We danced, Kevin showed up and proved entertaining. The night was over all really good, the ending sucked a lot and is still unresolved. In my opinion if you promise your friend you won't do something on their birthday...you shouldn't do that thing on their birthday. Especially when it leads to you flirting shamelessly with every single guy around you including the guy that you claim to not lead on but couldn't be away from. I love you to death, you're one of my best friends but you hurt me a lot and I want to talk about it but for some reason you don't seem willing to do that. Maybe you're just mad that I got mad at you. Maybe because I wasn't dumb and I figured it out and called you on it, maybe because you refuse to admit that you may have a problem. One day you'll realize for yourself and I'll be here to support you but for now I can't support the decisions that you're making. You're hurting yourself as well as the people who care about you.

In other news..I've been really sick lately, I probably mentioned the fact that I fell down the stairs..and then the driveway and in the malaspina parking lot. But I haven't said anything about the other day. I was walking to the bus stop at Mal U and I ended up blacking out and collapsing on the rocky sidewalk along side college dr. I came to when I hit the ground and my knee was bleeding and I hurt all over. I called my parents and my dad came and picked me up and I missed work because my knee was so swollen I couldn't walk, and both my hands and wrists were swollen and bruised. I went back to work the next day (yesterday) and almost collapsed in the middle of the store. Nadine made me go sit down for a long time and then today the same thing happened with an added migrain to top it off. I keep getting these sharp shooting pains through my chest and ribs, really bad headaches, extreme dizziness and my back is still fucked at the base of my neck and my lower back. I feel like I'm falling appart. My coworkers all think that I need to go to the doctors and get bloodwork done and get my back rechecked out but no one's willing to take me. I have no way to get there and I don't know what to do. I feel completely lost...my family doesn't give a shit whatsoever, my friends are freaked out but not many of them drive and we never have the same schedules. Right now it hurts to breathe and I can barely stay awake. I want to go home but I know I'll just end up sitting in my bedroom alone getting more depressed than I already am and when I cry everything just gets worse and I just hurt even more. My vision keeps randomly blurring and I'm really scared.

I'm off work tomorrow which is good, Sam's moving in with Sacha and us for the month of January to help us out cause we can't find a roommate and she needs a bit of a break. Hopefully it won't be a stressful situation...can't be any more stressful than my family life right now. Well that's all for now, I hate people they hate me. Life sucks, I feel like I'm dying, yes I realize I'm emo and I don't care because i've had enough. I'm tired of the bullshit. I miss having friends who genuinely care about eachother without having motives. Why are people so selfish these days, so self centered. I don't understand it. Anyways..I'm off to go watch Hockey and wait for Tracy and the crack head to get home so that I can handle shit for my mom. Bye.

This Birthday Could Go One Of Two Ways. Horribly Or Amazing,

Although I feel the need to update, because I actually can...there really isn't too much to update on. I'm at my parent's house right now, bussed here after another crap ass day of work today. As for what I've been up to lately..I've been working and well that's about it. I missed about a week of work because of my back from falling down the stairs, it still hurts like a bitch. I went with Tasha to Transformations the other day cause she was getting tattooed and that was good times. I decided that I really really wanna get my cleavage pierced. Badly. It's such a cute piercing. Umm ya. So I have to work through Young Life this week...and then my birthday is on friday and I have to work through that too. I work 1-9:30 on my birthday isn't that awesome? Doesn't really matter cause my family doesn't want to have a family dinner or anything anyways..considering my mom's going to be in Victoria with Tracy for her Divorce hearing. Yay for that. I guess. Umm I finally actually managed to get Saturday off for my birthday because one of my coworkers phoned in sick yesterday and I had to work her shift so now she has to work mine. For anyone who doesn't know my party is this Saturday night, bowling at 7pm at splitsville, then dinner at mgm at about 8:30 and then we're hitting up 70 below for some good times.

Sunday night was my staff Christmas party at the Cactus Club. It kinda sucked...luckily Cara was there so that we could entertain ourselves. The entire night pretty much consisted of my coworkers making fun of me for being a cluts and me wishing I could afford to get drunk. I won some shooters in our secret santa game and Cara got a tick tack toe shot glass set which she must bring on saturday.

I've been having a really hard time staying happy lately and I don't know why. One minute I'll be really hyper and happy, the next i'm miserable. I'm sick of the weather and sick of being stressed out about money. If we don't find another roommate before Heather moves out on the 15th i'm going to end up having to move back home because I just can't afford the extra rent money. I can barely afford to eat but I don't want to hear "I told you so" any more than I already do. As it is my family's constantly trying to guilt me into moving back..my sister is planning on taking my chinchilla's to the spca because she no longer wishes to look after them for me like she promised she would. My dad sold my fish without even telling me. What's next, my cats? I'm losing patience with people so easily lately and just getting so angry. I also hate the fact that I'm always wanting to go drinking and I don't want to become an alcoholic but it's the only time that I actually feel like I can relax and just be myself. Tasha and I went out to 70 this saturday night and drank way too much and just partied it up with the dj...who scared the crap out of me at work yesterday but that's another story. Luckily Josh came and picked us up cause if he hadn't we would have been screwed with no way home haha. Oh man Tasha...that was an interesting night.

So yes, my next day off is Satuday...and I have Sunday off too! So I'm getting my hair done and such for my party and I believe that Tasha is going to come with me, should be fun. I'm very excited about my party and no one else better cancel on me. I've had enough of that lately and I have this huge horrible feeling that no one's going to show up and I'm going to be sitting there bymyself crying all night. Please come, I'll be sad if you don't. That's all I've got to say for now, if anyone wants to hangout this week I'm off at 5:30 tomorrow, work 1-9:30 thursday and friday. Could really use some time to just hangout with someone. Just give me a call. C ya.