Happiness It's A Wonderful Feeling

It's been an awfully long time since I updated this thing so I guess I should probably do that! When DID I update this thing the last time? I don't really know so I guess I'll start with the fact that for the first time in as long as I can remember I am genuinely happy. I have an amazing boyfriend who loves me to death and whether everyone likes it or not I also love in return. He treats me amazingly..he's so afraid to upset me or cross boundries and just do anything wrong heh it's pretty cute. My parents really like him, my mom actually pulled him aside the other night and told him that she's really proud of him for the person that he's become and how he's turned his life around. For those who don't know, yes he is a recovering addict and hasn't used in months and is looking for a good job and helping my parents out so much.

My mom recently got diagnosed with Degenerative Spine Disorder and in the past week or so they also detected a defect with her heart. She got a CT scan done and it showed fluid around her heart and some abnormalities so I've been helping her out a lot around the house. I still haven't been feeling great myself, had a few dizzy spells lately and may have a fractured wrist but i'm not letting it get me down or stop me from doing stuff. I'm still off work however, but apparently my boss is going to be leaving in the near future so I may be going back sooner than previously expected.

I'm looking to move out of where I'm living right now, mostly because it's just sooo far away from my family and everything and since I don't drive it's really hard for me to get places. Even if there was a bus stop near by it would be easier. If anyone knows of anywhere please let me know, I need cheap rent cause EI doesn't pay much.

So as you all know Valentine's day was the other day, didn't really have a whole lot planned. Brenden, Sam, Jesey, Crysta, Shawn and I all went skating at Beban...Brenden and Shawn had a bit of an accident which lead to Shawn having an injured nose and sent Brenden and I to the emergency to find out that he had a concussion. So I was up pretty much all night taking care of him, waking him up periodically to make sure he was ok. That was fun..haha right. Although after skating Sam and I did go crash the Valentine's Dance in the rec centre and ended up teaching some kids how to line dance to Achy Breaky Heart and we got a standing ovation and free pop lol. Then we danced to Grease Lightning and left.

Yesterday I don't really remember what I did during the day...in the evening we spent a few house switching bedrooms around because oh YES! Tracy moved out. That's right...so now Jesey's got her room and Brenden's got my old bedroom which is pretty sweet. My mom and I are setting up his aquarium in there for him tonight and tomorrow while he's in victoria as a bit of a surprise which I'm excited about.

I do believe that that's pretty much all I've got to update for you guys. I'm happy and I don't know what else to say. Life is good :)

Who really reads this anyways?

I suppose that I'm a little overdue for an update...but since I'm not really sure who reads this anymore I'm slightly hesitant to divulge certain information. Therefor meaning that Tasha, if you wanna know what's going on...we need to talk haha. Things have been awkward none the less..but really good at the same time. Things with my mom have been kinda rocky..I know she wants me to move home, especially since I've been here so much but I know that as soon as I get better I'd totally regret it if i did. I like being here right now because I'm so sick and don't wanna be alone but if I completely move home I'll just be right back in the hell i was in before I moved out. Plus extra drama with Tracy and the boys being here. Which is another reason why I can't, it would be bad and we'll leave it at that. My will power isn't THAT good haha. Umm I'm pretty sure I'm going to take leave from YL because well...I need to get healthy. I just can't do it right now...I'm too stressed out and they just keep adding more and more to my plate that I can't handle. It's at the point where there's 3 mornings that I have to be at meetings at either 6:30, 7 or 8am and then thursday nights for club and atleast 2 days a week for contact work. That's like a part time job that I don't get payed for. People seem to forget that although most of the leaders are on staff now, there are still us few VOLUNTEERS that don't get payed and have other lives that aren't based around ministry with YL. I'm kinda bitter and resentful towards YL right now which is another reason why I should not be trying to lead kids to god through it right now. Well it's my sister's birthday today and so I'm at my parents..I should probably go and do something productive. Call me if you wanna chat, I may or may not have strep or mono..not too sure yet...so you might not wanna come too close but phone conversations or texts are always apprechiated. later days. (yes I know i'm a dork)

Sup...;)

And these are the days of our lives. I seriously feel as though I'm living my life in a soap opera. Right down to the screwed up romances, drug dealers and addicts, people dying...everything. For those who don't know already, my Opa passed away saturday morning at approximately 6am and my mom called me at my house at 8:30 to tell me. I came back here a couple hours later to suffer through massive family wide fights and everyone being an emotional mess. Including myself. I basically shut myself in the pool room, blasted Hedley as loud as humanly possible and cleaned. It took a while for everything to really sink in. I haven't really been out to do much of anything in a long time, kinda been avoiding everyone. Not intentionally really, just been fairly robotic.

As for boys, things are getting harder and harder...because we're getting closer and closer and I really need to stop spending the night at my parents before things really get out of hand. I care a lot about him and it bothers me because all that can happen is that people will get hurt. Whether its me, him or my family. I can't lose them over this but he makes me happy. Genuinely happy and that hasn't happened in a really long time. We're so open with eachother and really understand eachother. We connect in a way that I don't see very often at all.

I'm heading out in a little while with Tracy and the boys because I have a baby shower to go to tonight. I'm excited to buy baby stuff for Jesse, hopefully Liquidation World will be well stocked because I'm pretty poor. Speaking of poor, I'm supposed to be going to a leadership retreat on the weekend in Chemainis? I think that's where it is, I don't really know. I have more doctors appointments earlier on friday and then we're leaving in the late afternoon. I can't really afford it at all, but people seem to think that they might be able to help me out with that since Holly already signed me up.

Well that's about all for now, I should get going..Tracy and Brenden are having a fight which is upsetting my mom and therefore I have to go fix things. Call me if you wanna do something, I'm on medical leave so my schedule is wide open. Later Days.

Ever Heard The Saying "It can only get better" ??? They Lied!

Apparently I need to update in order to appease Shayna's boredom...even though she knows basically every aspect of my life anyways. I'm actually rather depressed at the moment, I guess all the events of the past..year are just kinda hitting me all at once. I thought that maybe...just maybe things would get better with the new year but honestly they're only getting worse. My Opa is very painfully close to dying. His kidneys and liver and just everything are shutting down and there's nothing that can be done. We basically have to sit back and just wait for the phone call. My Oma's been really depressed cause she can't leave the house because he can't go anywhere and she doesn't wanna leave him alone. They should really be living in a retirement home but they refuse. I'm pretty sure that once my Opa's gone my Oma's going to be right behind him. She seems to be giving up and I think that without him to take care of she's not really going to feel as though she has a purpose anymore.

On the other home front...I finally got the official ultimatem yesterday. I was talking to Brenden on the phone when my mom beeped in to inform me that "if I continue to have contact with Brenden I will no longer be able to have contact with her" aka I'd no longer be part of this family. So great. I care about Brenden a lot but I can't lose my family over him. He's not good for me and I realize that. I came over to my parent's lastnight to talk to my mom and we eventually came to an agreement that I can talk to him but not see him until he begins to prove himself more trustworthy and honestly and not too disappointed about this. Not seeing him, especially not seeing him alone is probably definately for the better in light of the situation. I don't wanna fall in love with him and I see myself heading down that path rather quickly. Right now he's in Victoria because he has a court appearance tomorrow..I tried calling him because I needed to talk to him about something and he was a jerk and said he didn't wanna talk right now and would call me after the hearing. I've decided that if he doesn't call me after the hearing, I'm walking away. I'm getting emotionally attached and I don't want him to hurt me. So we'll see how tomorrow goes and go from there I guess? Ya.

My health. has been crap. I'm averaging atleast 2 collaspings a day now, it's getting worse...I'm too nausious to really eat much of anything...I have a concussion from a certain event at Brenden's motel room the other night. And no people it's nothing like that. Him, Sam and I were watching TV and Sam pushed me off the bed and I hit my head on the corner of the side table. I ended up having Shayna and Eric take me to the ER yesterday afternoon to get it checked and the doctor gave me T3's which although they have made me slightly high for the past 24 hours I think they may be aiding in said depressive state. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning to talk to my dr. about applying for medical EI so that I can take leave from work until they find out what's wrong with me or the stress goes away or whatever it takes to get healthy again. I also have an eye doctor appointment on friday because I'm pretty sure I need glasses. Although I can neither afford them or really want to have to wear them..but I may need them.

One good thing has come out of the events of the past few weeks. I've become pretty good friends with Jesey, there's been ups and downs but I know that it was all out of concern for me and I thanked him for that. I've actually been talking to him about Young Life a fair bit and I think he may be considering becoming a leader which would be awesome. Speaking of which, it looks as though Sacha, Joanna and I may be starting up a South End club at some point this year, nothing's really official but I think it would be a blast and an awesome idea. I'll miss a lot of the North End kids but this way our focus isn't so spread out and 70 someodd kids all at once ya know?

Well this has been kinda a long entry after all but I'm going to head off...watch a little 40 Year Old Virgin and then go to bed. Well probably hang with Jesey a bit. If anyone wants to hangout and just chill or something let me know..I'm not very good company but I could definately use some. Seeya

Love Triangles and Losing Myself

Wow how things change so quickly. What is with love triangles? I find a guy that I really like, his bestfriend's in love with me..therefore he won't let anything happen between us. I guess everything happens for a reason but it sorta sucks anyways. I'm pretty sure I'm destine to die alone at this rate. Although the past couple secret nights (with the bestfriend who's in love with me) have been pretty nice it's just all so confusing. We'll never be together no matter how much he wants to be but I can't help but be drawn into his arms. He's an amazing cuddler what can I say...and he kisses my forehead and tucks me in to bed and all that sappy mushy stuff that I (the hopeless romantic I am) love but, I won't go for him. Why is that you ask? because we'd be horrible together. He's got a really bad fairly recent past that's still haunting him and he needs to figure out his life for himself. Therefore we will be friends and nothing more. Besides the fact that I would lose so many people I love if anything did happen. I don't even know how I feel about him. Honestly if I could combine all of the good things about both of them I'd have my dream guy. But sometimes the bad qualities just overpower the good and I've got some tough decisions to make.

As for the rest of my life and Christmas...things have been eventful. I've been really sick as most of you know. I lost my vision at work yesterday and had to go home from work early. Phoned in sick today cause i've had a constant headache for I don't even know how long. It got really bad when I was watching Failure to Launch with the boys lastnight and hasn't gone away. It's not helping knowing that one of them just got put in jail till his court hearing tomorrow. Yes Tasha I have wonderful friends...I know. lol oh man my life's fucked up right now. Things sure have changed haven't they? Umm I'm waiting to hear from the doctors office about when my EEG scan, CT Scan and everything are scheduled for...my 24 hour heart monitor gets put on on the second. Can't wait. Ya right. I just want them to figure out what's wrong with me. Maybe it's just stress? Who knows..but unless someone tells me what to think and feel and then sends me on a vacation to the bahamas or something the stress isn't going to go away. Atleast I get to move back to my own house soon...but that's kinda stressful in itself. I'm pretty petrified about having to walk to the bus stop every morning again..ever since I passed out on the side of the parkway I'm not really too keen on going back. Understandable? I think so.

But ya, that's about all...I'm feeling crappy so i'm going to go lay down or something. Call me if you wanna chat or something. See ya'll.

Ok Shayna Here's Your Update.

Well I've had a request that I update although I don't have much to update on really. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning that I'm slightly scared to go to and my mom's not really seeming willing to drive me to but hopefully it'll all work out in the morning. Then at about 1pm I'm going to transformations with Tasha to watch while she gets tattooed some more. That should prove to be good times with Dave while mocking Tasha for her obsession with a certain Australian Piercer. I'll also be getting my piercing checked out to make sure that it's not rejecting as of yet...and then hopefully HOPEFULLY going to finish my christmas shopping but I'm not too sure how that's going to go. I need to get my damn license.

Anyways, Jesey and Brenden have been in Victoria for a couple days now and it's been rather quiet. I kinda miss Jesey a lot but there's not much I can do about that. They should be back up here sometime tomorrow if they can get the money for the bus or convince someone to drive them. I don't really know how I feel about the whole situation but I like him a lot so we'll see how it goes. I was working today and I got so sick agian. It was like I was super drunk but not in a happy drunk way. In a miserable depressed drunkin state. All my body wanted was to lay on the floor and never get up again. I was so dizzy, I was seeing stars and couldn't concentrate on ANYTHING so after an hour of sitting in the backroom almost passed out Ashley ended up sending me home with strict instructions to rest and an offer to drive me to the doctors.

Part of me is really excited about Christmas but another part of me is seriously dreading it. I went to costco with my dad this evening and ran into my aunt Marilyn (aunt by marrage sorta) as well as my Uncle Brad who was married to my mom's sister Val before she passed away a few years ago. So that was all kinda hard on the emotions since we don't really have much to do with my family but it was really nice to see them none the less. I start really missing my family around this time of the year because old memories of family dinners start arrising and I start wondering what my cousin's are all up to and how they're celebrating Christmas. I also start to really miss my grandparents alot. I loved them so much and Christmas was always such a huge deal to them. As for the rest of my family..my Opa's still really sick and so we're having Christmas brunch at my Oma and Opa's instead of my aunt's house because my Opa doesn't really get out of bed much and we don't want him to miss it.

Well that's all for now so I think I'm going to make a sappy cd and go listen to it while I attempt to fall asleep. It's hard for me to fall asleep the past two nights..I grew used to having another person sleeping in the room. Do you ever just get used to hearing someone else breathing? I find the sound so calming. Maybe tomorrow night. Anways yes. Bye!

PS. So addicted to Rascal Flatts - What Hurts The Most

Useless

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house. that don't bother me. I can take a few tears now and then and just let em out. I'm not afraid to cry, every once in a while even though, going on, with you gone still upsets me. there are days every now and then I pretend i'm ok but that's not what gets me. what hurts the most is being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away. never knowing what could have been and not seeing that loving you is what i was trying to do.

Good old Rascall Flatts. They tell it like it is. Um anyways heh things with friends are finally starting to sort themselves out I guess you could say. Tasha and I worked things out about my birthday party and I miss her very much. Alyssa's back in town and I can't wait to see her. Um Sacha leaves for Cranbrook tomorrow and i'm going to have my house to myself for the next week but I can't be alone because of the concussion so I don't really know how that's going to work. If anyone wants to come stay with me let me know. I've got a spare bedroom with bed. I've spent the past few nights at my parent's house and have hungout with Jesey a fair bit. It's been pretty fun. He's a cool kid. Sam and Brenden have been in and out cause Brenden's staying at a motel cause my mom doesn't really want him here cause there's like people looking for him. He seems to be actually wanting to get his life sorted out right now and stay clean, not too sure the same can be said for Tracy. We're trying so hard to distinguish between rumors and the truth so we're basically depending on what Jesey sees and hears and I feel so bad that he has to be in the middle of everything but it's the only way to figure all this out.

Sam's moving in to my place with me, Sacha and Eric for the month of January, that should be good times. I know we'll have fun. It's just going to be a little stressful till rent's in because Sacha's going to be in Cranbrook, Eric's in CR and Sam will be in Vernon. Oh the mayhem. I'm rather stressed about Christmas because I only have about half of my presents bought and don't get payed again until friday which means I'm cutting it a little bit close. My parent's house is going to be so full for christmas. If Brenden's not in jail he'll be here, Jesey'll be here (we refuse to let him spend christmas in a motel with a 40lb of crown royal) Tracy will be here, possibly Matty if all works out and possibly Shawn's friend Chris. Then the 5 of us and I'm sure that Alex and Chelsea will probably show up at some point, it's kinda tradition.

So I'm sitting at my parent's house by myself because my mom and Jesey had to go pick up Tracy from the hospital she got a burn from a wheel chair on her leg and now has a stalf infection that is going to have to be operated on. Found out lastnight that getting stalf infections easily is a sign of drug use which is just more proof of the problems to come. I really wanna go back to school so that i can learn how to detect drug addictions and know all the signs and actually know how to help the person. I hate having to sit back completely clueless. It's bad enough not being able to go to work cause i'm useless there. I feel so unneeded. I didn't believe the doctor when he told me it would be pointless for me to go back to work right now. I realized that he was right when I was sitting on the bathroom floor in the backroom of my store on the verge of passing out yesterday. That was after I'd already collapsed behind the till. Good times. Well I'm going to go finally get my shower before everyone gets home. I'll see ya all later, someone call me or come see me. I miss people.