Take A Good Look At Me Now...

Bad Day...that about covers that....I spent about an hour this evening sitting alone, on a cold, wet playground crying. I couldn't take the tension and anger in my house and I left. I walked out and headed up the street. I found the playground that had been there for me through my entire childhood and decided to pay it another visit. There was a group of teenagers either smoking cigarettes or pot up against a wall and it really hit me how life has changed...how we've all grown up. These teens were about 3 years younger than me...and it made me think so much. I sat on the swing and I cried. I held my cell wondering what I should do, who I should call and I decided to just swing. I swang for a while and I prayed and I wondered why everything has become the way it is today.

I picked up my phone and I tried to call Alex but his brother said that he was outside so I tried back about 10 minutes later and still nothing. A few minutes later I made the biggest mistake of the entire night, I picked up my phone and I dialed a number that I haven't dialed in a long time. Andrew's cell. He picked up and I told him who it was. The tone of his voice was as though he couldn't believe it and I had to repeate myself. As soon as I finished saying my name for the second time Krista started freaking out in the background...my heart sank as the words "I don't want to talk to you" came out of his mouth and transferred to my ear. He said he couldn't and then hungup. I burst into tears and then began to swing as high as I possibly could just to get the words out of my head.

The effects didn't last very long but it helped ease the pain a while. I tried Alex again and his bro still refused to get him from outside so I gave up. I called Andrea and asked her to come and sit with me and talk. I felt really guilty asking her to do this...why? I know I shouldn't feel guilty for asking a friend to be there for me but I did and a big part of me still does. I feel as though I've lost everyone. Everyone that I've cared about has pushed themselves away.

Andrea dropped me off and my mom told me to talk to her as she stared at the tv screen. I sat and watched some tv and then made my way to the computer. Alex replied to the email that I sent him about 2 weeks ago and it seems as though our friendship may be completely written off. My heart's been wripped into so many pieces today and I don't know what to do. While reading his email I was also talking to Terry about how he feels out of place at YL and I really wish he didn't. I think that he's an amazing leader and club wouldn't be the same at all without him. After Terry left the computer, Megan came on and began explaining her night...her store got robbed tonight while she was working and she is understandable freaked out, I know I would be.

What is going on with people....has everyone lost their minds completely? Does noone care about anyone else anymore? Has every person in the world become inconsiderate, selfish and miserable? I'm beginning to think so. Well until tomorrow, Goodbye and I leave you with these lyrics that explain everything.

Against All Odds - Phil Collins

How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace
When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh
You're the only one who really knew me at all

How can you just walk away from me,
when all I can do is watch you leave
Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Ooh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And you coming back to me is against the odds and that's what I've got to face

I wish I could just make you turn around,
turn around and see me cry
There's so much I need to say to you,
so many reasons why
You're the only one who really knew me at all

So take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space
And there's nothing left here to remind me,
just the memory of your face
Now take a look at me now, cos there's just an empty space

But to wait for you, is all I can do and that's what I've got to face
Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here
And you coming back to me is against all odds
It's the chance I've gotta take

Take a look at me now